This is a quick list of ideas that you can use when those pesky sales and collection people call your home or cell phone. Some have actually been tested and used to great effect. Enjoy!
1) Begin to act as if you are crying and tell them this: "I'm sorry but the person you are trying to contact is no longer here. They died in a horrible car crash. The Highway Patrol had to spend sixteen hours seperating the body parts from the wreckage. It was all over the highway." Feel free to go into detail about the gore. For extra effect add a mangled baby or a toy poodle to the mix. If they continue to listen, add the option of speaking to the surviving injured retarded child. Tell them that you will have to hold the phone because "the stumps are still scabbing from the loss of the arms". This usually shakes them. If not, then speak in unrelated topical outbursts until they hang up.
2) Simply repeat everything they say as fast and as loud as they are.
3) Bark or moo until they hang up.
4) Have a Websters dictionary on hand and begin to read it aloud. See how far you can get in a year. Race with friends who are also using this method. Sales types ALWAYS flee from anything that sounds educational.
5) Hit PLAY on your old tape recorder and let them hear a gunshot after they tell you what they want. Then drop the phone on the floor. After several minutes whisper "Rose Bud" and hang up.
6) Shout "SURPRISE" and siing the 'Happy Birthday' song over and over again inserting their name. Don't stop!
7) Breath heavily and moan as if having an orgasm. After a few minutes say to them, "Thank you for calling, Mr. President. That will be $9.99 for each minute. Shall we bill this to your expense account?"
8) Ask them to set an example and send you a sample check for the amount due first. Tell them that you'll send it back to them after having it studied by your legal department. Tell them to include their social security number, birthdate, mother's maiden name and at least two account nubers with passwords for verification.
9) Ask them if they'd like to engage in some hot phone sax. When they do (and they always will) blow the worst note possible from a nearby saxaphone.
10) Tell them that you've recently 'gone green' and can only send them shells, a bag of grass clippings or some lucky stones.
11) Ask them if they've called their mother lately. Tell them that she was talking about their first day of school when she brought you breakfast in bed this morning.
12) If they say that the conversation is being recorded then break into every show tune that you know! This could be your big break.
13) Ask them which nipple the red cable gets hooked up to at their house.
14) Gargle non-stop.
15) Ask them to send you a urine sample. Tell them they sound like they are 'on something'.
16) Speak to them in tongues and demand that they give an interpretation. When they can't, simply call them "an evil demon seed" and hang up.
17) Don't say anything. Instead make soft baby cooing noises. Then start up a lawn mower.
18) Ask them repeatedly "Will this be cash or charge?" then tell them that thier purchase has been denied and hang up.
19) Keep starting a Knock Knock joke but never finish it. Do this every time they say "Who's there?"
20) Ask them where they parked their car today. Ask them to supply the make and model. Then ask them if they can see it from their desk. Then tell them that you have just given it a free 'tune up'.
21) Tell them to stop calling or 'the photographs' get put up on the FBI Facbook page.
22) Tell them that you lit a candle at church for their protection but God kept blowing it out.
23) Put a Village People album on and walk away.
24) Ask them to guess which hand their payment is in. After they answer,tell them that they didn't win and to try again in 30 days.
25) Make some microwave pocorn and let them listen as it pops. Then tell them that you only made enough for one.
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