Sunday, February 7, 2010


The new year is upon us and is running down the street screaming like a sugar-charged devil baby holding a power drill and a can of WD40. It's way beyond our ability to stop or even slow down. Time waits for no one. While we scratch ourselves dressed in our morning Snuggie, the havoc unfolds and this little bastard is wiping out everything in its path while showing us its stinky butt with our name tattooed above it on a poorly scribbled tramp stamp! Good morning, beautiful.
By now, all of our vows and promises are completely riddled with holes, and hopeless futility has returned to plug them. Cigarettes have been lit. Subscriptions to Playboy have been renewed. Diets have been blown. Divorce papers have been filed. Church has been skipped. Tax filings are being falsified. We're back shopping at WalMart. We've begun to give our national bird to other drivers. We hate our jobs even more and are stealing paperclips just to feel a sensation. Discontent, anger, depression and boredom have returned fatter than ever. Even our meds are telling us to take the gas pipe. Welcome back to SUCKLAND!!!
Everyone lives there regardless of who, what, where, and why. Regardless of status, income, upbringing or religious roots. Here are a few thoughts to roll around in your skull that may help you survive and even flourish in spite of your journey in SUCKLAND:
1) You are a success or failure no matter who you are or where you stand. The decision is yours. How you view yourself makes all the difference. Success and failure are, first and foremost, mental decisions. I'm not talking about bloated self-importance or bogus entitlement based on a false reality where you actually believe you are your favorite pop star on Cribs or the E Channel. The world owes you nothing...and it has already made the delivery. It's all up to you. You are your meal ticket out and up. Treat yourself with a little kindness and respect. Next time, try to eat half of that pie. Cuddle for 10 minutes afterwards. Geez. Allow yourself to have a little dignity.
2) OK. This may not be your dream job, but at least you have something to do that brings in some money to pay the bills. It's a start. Tired of working for someone else? Who isn't?! Change your brain and realize that the only reason you work at all is so that YOU can have a better life. You just happen to work for this company and that guy to do it. Become the most valuable person at work. The legend. Do this while knowing that the exits are clearly marked for your escape. YOU are working for YOU.
3) New math: If you work 8+ hours a day, then you have 16 free hours to do what you want. Instead of sitting on your pizza-stuffed rectum watching TV and porn in between loading photoshopped images of yourself onto Facebook, try adding something to your exit plan that will benefit YOU. An online or vocational course. A few hours a day creating some new art that can be shown and sold. You never know who is looking at your stuff. Sell some old clutter on eBay. Plan a vacation in the sunshine somewhere. It may take a year or more to save up for it by putting a couple of bucks in the old underwear drawer, but the day will arrive when you have enough to make it happen.
4) Change your dating rituals. Instead of hunting old bar whores and date-rapists in the bar scene, why not check out the local church chicks. These ladies will not only reform you to a sub-human social level; they are also the best kissers on the planet. Next to librarians. Repression is a mad dog on a leash. Control is a gift that establishes and better defines. Think about it. Change your social circle. Try attending some Rotary or special interest groups. Planetarium lectures, book reading or writers clubs, poetry slams, bitch-n-stitch covens, something away from the bars and sports scene (read previous blog). The local university always has something going on. Think outside of your box. Try something new. You can always apologize later.
5) Most humans want to be something vocationally when they are children. Try to remember what that was. If you can't become an astronaut or Japanese monster, then you can at least write about it. Go through old pics of your youth and journal them in a secret notebook or post the stories on a blog. You may be very surprised at the results. People generally love to read about other people's lives. C'mon. Be honest. That's why we watch the boob tube in the first place. It's the same reason why most of you peek into your neighbor's windows when they are lit at night.
6) Do a sit-up a day. One sit-up is better than none. Take a half-hour walk when you get up in the morning or go to lunch or before you go to sleep. This gets the blood moving and beats the cost of showing up at some meat locker gym where everyone is trying to outdo each other. Forget that trap. Keep it simple and don't talk about it. Nobody wants to hear 'the lecture' about how to 'do it right.' Just do something and add to it when you want to. The only competition is yourself.
7) Doing one or two good things for yourself is better than promising to do a million things and never delivering on even one of them. Try a multi-vitamin and drink at least 4 glasses of plain water a day. Drink some orange juice. Eat some kind of plant-generated life form. It makes YOU feel better and cleans out the poop chute. Keep it simple.
8) Read one randomly picked word from the dictionary every day and try to master it.
9) Take a private walk with God. Get all primal and let it all hang out. Vent! Let your freak flag fly. Bitch and moan. Gripe and giggle. Unplug the hurt and fear. Tell Him "Hi." Then ask Him where He's been all of your life. Make sure to leave some quiet time for answers. Sometimes I see lightning. Sometimes I get a pat on the head.
10) Keep your yap shut about doing any of this. Make it your secret world, an adventure that you take with and for yourself. Rediscover the happiness that we tend to all lose as children by becoming fast- and slow-moving adults. Happiness and contentment are as good as it gets. You define your own success level. What does it mean to you?
11) Always look for humor in everything. It's there in SUCKLAND. Tons of it! Remember: Wherever you find yourself, there is at least one thing to laugh about - It's all about YOU.

(This weeks blog art provided by my favorite madman and co-creator in comics: Levi Krause.)

1 comment:

  1. I am running for my gas pipe right now Yambar!!!!