Friday, July 24, 2009
LOCAL AUTHORITIES UNCOVER YAMBAR DRUG STASH
A rather large stash of drugs was confiscated today when the Youngstown West Side Neighborhood Block Watchers Association raided the estate of Chris Yambar this morning. Yambar had been suspected of harboring discount drugs and living the life of a rock star (most notably KISS front man Paul Stanley) for some time.
"When we entered the home, you could smell oats and coffee," stated YWSNBWA co-ordinator and investigative point man David Hartford/ "Most mornings you could almost taste it while walking past the place. Some of the other neighbors reported that he could be heard singing loudly and going around shirtless. Personally, I never had a problem from Mr. Yambar. He always waved when he drove by and he and the Mrs. planted new flowers this year. When they brought home that second cat, I had an odd feeling in my guts. I knew he had to be hiding something."
The 9:30 AM kitchen raid allowed local investigators to catch Yambar in the act with a spatula in his hands. While he stirred his oats, he sang from the second disc of the KISS ALIVE! concert CD while his wife worked in the side yard planting a burning bush.
"He was topless all right," Hartford continued. "Almost put my eye out looking at his gyrating like that. We knew for sure this was no Christian home."
What authorities found next stunned the posse of do-gooders.
"They had a drawer in there just chock full of drugs. Hard stuff. Super B-Complex, No-Flush Niacin, Glucosamine Chondroitin Complex, C 500mg, CoQ-10, Curiously Strong Altoids and a bottle of 100% uncut Aspirin. That man even had a big bottle of Vitamin E, which puzzled me because they don't have any children."
Hartford added that there were several international items also found, including two pound bags of Sumatra Sidikalang, Indie Mysore Nuggets (Extra Bold) and a highly used French coffee press. Both were acquired from Small Town Roasters over the internet.
"He's a crafty dude, but this time his fancy way-out ways are a matter of public record. All in all, it felt good to bring a little justice to his side of the street for a change."
The drugs were gathered into specimen bags and taken to the police for further analysis.
Hartford returned to his job as a long-distance school crossing guard who is not allowed to work within 300 yards of any local elementary education buildings for reasons that he declined to comment on. Being a former Catholic Priest his integrity is seldom questioned.
When asked to comment on the estate raid, Yambar simply said, "Drugs have always been a part of my life. I have no plans to stop using them now."