Wednesday, January 27, 2010


It's amazing how many men love watching football with their friends. Recently, I was a supper guest and got trapped into watching a football game with a die-hard fan who was relentless in his idea that I was the least bit interested in his team. Happily, his team eventually lost, so both of our weekends were equally ruined. I'm pretty sure he cried a little. He did sulk a lot. I actually laughed out loud when his daughter ran up to the TV and put in her Disney Princess-related movie when he left the room for another beer. He never noticed. Then it hit me. Synchronicity. My friend was a football fag.
Here is a checklist of facts about football that may help in determining just how gay you and your friends are about the sport:
1) Half the game is spent watching adult men bent over in a tight line.
2) The quarterback begins each down by reaching forward under another man's ass for a 'good center.'
3) Positions include names like 'wide receiver,' 'tight end,' and 'full back.'
4) Men are brought to the ground by violent hugs called 'tackling.'
5) Bright and shiny team uniforms that all match.
6) John Madden talking longingly about Brett Favre's stats. No matter what game he is announcing.
7) The squirting of the Gatorade.
8) Fans wear the uniforms of other men and get excited that they have their names and numbers on them for all to see.
9) Sundays spent sitting on a couch with other men watching other men instead of making love to the wife for hours or taking the kids to the zoo or Grandma's house.
10) The decoration of a room in matching team colors and images pre-approved by a faceless committee. Then meeting there with other special members who like to dress in a manner that matches the team curtains. Very Hello Kitty.
11) The clapping and hooting when someone does a victory dance for his team. Behold, the male pole dancer.
12) The team pennant and decorative towel. Man hankies.
13) The group cuddle known as 'the huddle.'
14) Eating hot dogs whle watching football.
15) Collecting little photos of other men in matching outfits and placing them in protective slip cases.
16) Showing off your collection of little man-photos in 'sequential career order' to your man-friends in a dimly lit basement 'man-cave.'
17) Admitting that you'd actually consider doing Howie Long "IF" you were gay.
18) Getting excited when your team 'takes it up the middle' or 'completes a pass' to another player.
19) John Madden and Brett Favre are married and ride around the country in a big love-bus together.
20) Terry Bradshaw's tooth.
21) Defensive players are encouraged to 'sack' the quarterback or at least get him 'in the grasp.'
22) Doing a belly bump.
23) Screaming when another man 'puts it through the uprights.'
24) Punting.
25) Thinking about football on a Tuesday at work.
I could go on and on. Think about it. GAY!
Ok. There are a few of you out there who are hiding behind the fact that your wives or girlfriends are big football game watchers, too. HA! Review the list again, fella. If you were a girl, wouldn't these be great excuses for watching the big games?
Then there are the guys who talk with each other about the latest naked lady in Playboy and what they'd do with her if they ever got the chance. EVER GOT THE CHANCE. Ever.
Fantasy Football League. Disney Princesses. Either way, you come out of the closet dressed in someone else's clothes.

1 comment:

  1. Will you watch Football with me Yambar? In your nightie? And I will wear the John Madden head and foam Hulk Gloves.