Saturday, November 20, 2010
YAMBAR PONDERS THE JOURNEY THUS FAR
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Been listening to the voices from the past and feeling the breath of change as it flows through me. There's been a lot of miles on this frame. A lot of energy and pain have passed through this vessel. I've had more adventure than most in this life and in truth, I've probably experienced more joy and happiness than legally allowable. There's a balance on the threshing floor.
I've made peace with God on His terms. I've seen His hands extended to and through me in ways that are far beyond my understanding. I've watched as His Spirit spread her wings over those who stood with me and against. I've understood hidden things spoken in unknown and rarely recognized tongues from beyond the veil. I've enjoyed kicking the adversary in the balls and feeling the protection of Job as the bastard reaches but cannot touch without permission. I've walked upright within the shadow of death and have felt the protection of creatures within the light. I throw my throat to the enemy and laugh out loud. "Come and take me. I've won either way." God's grace and satisfaction are all that I desire. I hope I haven't bored Him.
I have a wonderful wife and companion who has stood with me for nearly 30 years. I've basked in her beauty and have been challenged by her gentle walk in Christ. She is the only earthly home that I have. Without her I am half a man, incomplete and grasping. She is the burning hearth, the warmth of healing, the voice of friendship without judgement. Maureen is my spell-check. She's got my back. And I've got hers. Three chords are stronger than one.
Since I was a child I've always felt like an outsider, a stranger misplaced in a world that didn't want me. Unnecessary. Never quite good enough. The punchline to the joke. Somehow I missed the script and wasn't equipped to take on the things most people made look so simple. I was the last kid picked for basketball. The weirdo. No invite to the party. The one who got beat up after school while others watched. The one beaten with boards and the strap where others couldn't see. I was the stupid one, the image of humiliation. The discard. I'm not alone in these feelings.
Thank God that He loves taking the junk, the weak and the empty and making it into something far greater than imagined. Watching the transformation has come with a ring side seat...and a full length mirror in the center. I am constantly amazed at His unmerited favor and His eternally adoptive love and care for this laughing stock. The remolding process is miraculous and stunning to behold. Someone once told me that "little is much when God is in it". Of this I am a witness. Anything good that I've ever done, created, accomplished or have become is due to His relentless design and detail. Been there. Became that. Becoming more.
Major character flaws are still there with new ones to follow. This comes with being human. There will still be lots of "I'm sorry" and "Please forgive me" on the road ahead. Humility is earned while it's learned. There's still a lot of ME left to sift.
In some circles I'll always be an outlaw. No biggie. I've always been blessed with others to ride next to. Sometimes we travel together for what seems like a life time. Sometimes we head off for different towns. And sometimes we get into gun fights with each other. When the sun sets though it's all been worth the ride. I'll always been thankful for those that I've ridden with be they friend or foe. Iron always sharpens iron. There's plenty of tales to be told, with some of them being the stuff of legend. I was there.
It's getting cold outside again. Autumn always brings out the inner man in me. Things taste better. Laughter seems louder and the value of God, my family and friends more dear and sweet. Winter is coming but with a the festival of lights and feasting that points to our eternal hope, a time to reconnect to our potential and our willingness to give love and care. Again the cycle and seasons balance each other. There is order in the universe.
My hands are getting stiffer in the joints and sore. They crack and pop when I need them most. Sometimes they lock up and I have to massage them free again to continue the work. Man, that hot cup of coffee feels good in my grasp. Was that my breath I just saw leaving my lips or something more? Either way I win.
I hope when I lay down on that day that I'm not too tired to notice the final transformation. I can't wait for Death to pull up in that shiny limo. He better not be late. I've got a dinner date to keep. Until then I've got a whole bunch more living to do.
There are moments when you just need to stop and ponder, think out loud, blog and take note of the journey. You've got to savor the immortal and the mortal. You've got to drink of sobriety and dance in the darkness. You've got to rejoice in the pain...and the promise. The joy of the Father awaits and is here even now.
In these things I'm most thankful.